Recapitulation

 

My therapist has a really extensive vocabulary. He uses words that I have never heard before and he spends quite a lot of time in our weekly sessions explaining those words to me. Sometimes I roll my eyes, throw in an exaggerated sigh, and ask him to dumb things down. He always refuses. He says it’s “healthy” to be challenged this way and I think he is often amused at my dramatized displeasure. The guy has like 12 degrees hanging on his wall and definitely knows what he’s talking about, but this sentiment frustrates me. I do like learning new words and it’s actually helped me get better at asking for help. This has translated into a lot of parts of my life and I feel a lot less silly about admitting I don’t know what I’m doing. You win this one, therapy. 

One of the words I learned recently is capitulation and in turn, recapitulation. I don’t know why this one stuck with me (it’s been a few months since he used it) but I’ve thought about writing a blog post about it since then. If you don’t know what it means, PLEASE, let me be the one to enlighten you. Capitulate stems from something in the bible somewhere I think (he did a way better job of explaining but I’ll give you the cliff notes) and it means to surrender or end a battle. Now, somehow or another, recapitulate means to summarize and go over the main points. You know, like recap. My therapist used it in a way that was asking me how much I think about the past and how much I mull over what has been said and done. The truth is, it’s not that much. Anxiety has people worried about things other than the present; people often worry about the past or the future instead of living in the now. Generally, I am much more anxious about the future. I worry about what I will do, how I’ll handle things, and what my life will be. Historically, I’ve spent very little time reflecting. That is, until now. 

In the month or so that I haven’t written anything for this blog, I’ve been thinking about events that got me here. It’s July and I’m in the middle of what feels like absolute magic. Summer is my favorite time for so many reasons and there are a lot of things that are making it extra sweet right now. The feeling of freedom leftover from being a kid out of school combined with abundant sunshine and warmth makes me feel light and floaty. As much as I love the nature of summer, I have to address the fact that it’s not all about the season; I have made a lot of conscious decisions that got me to this blissful, floaty feeling. For the first time, I am putting myself first. I have struggled with self-worth my entire life and deciding that I am worthy enough to be my own first priority has been really difficult. However, I decided that the way I have been living for a long time wasn’t working very well, so I tried some new ways of thinking. 

First and foremost, I stopped apologizing. Not when I’ve actually done something wrong, mind you. Owning up to your behavior is incredibly important, but I’m talking about unnecessarily apologizing. Women tend to do this more than men, because we feel sorry for even taking up space and being people. Reason #1631 why we need to smash the patriarchy and shatter every glass ceiling, but let me get back on topic. Instead of apologizing, I have started thanking people. This was not my idea (I saw it on Facebook) but it has worked wonders. The most popular one for me is “Thank you for your patience.” I am scatter-brained about 110% of the time, especially at work. I make a LOT of mistakes. Here’s the secret: so does everyone else. Humans are messy. Thank those around you for sticking with you through those hiccups, but don’t apologize for being human. 

Second and kind of related to the first, I stopped doing a lot of things. That is, I stopped doing things that did not make me feel good about myself. You absolutely do not have to do things that don’t make you feel good about yourself. Now, this isn’t the same as being a little outside of your comfort zone. You should challenge yourself and some of your limits, but that’s a different topic. Don’t spend time with people who do not make you feel amazing and don’t give them a piece of that precious little soul of yours. Don’t text your ex back, stop following those “fitness” accounts that have you weighing yourself 10 times a day, and stop agreeing to social functions that make you so nervous you feel like barfing before you go inside. Okay, these are very specific to me, but you get the idea.

Finally, and please don’t take this the wrong way, realize no one gives a single fuck about what you’re doing. As absorbed as you are in your own thoughts and actions, realize that everyone else is the same way. People care deeply and immensely about you, but not in the way that you think. They care about that aforementioned precious little soul of yours, not the tiny mistakes you make. You are your own worst critic, and I promise no one else is scrutinizing your every move like you are. Let it go. 

I know not everything works for everyone. However, I know that all of these things are helping me and I highly encourage you to try some of these practices. They’re slow changes and you can take them one day at a time. You are SO worth it. You’re not selfish, you’re not greedy. You deserve to be your own first priority. Try it for a bit, then recapitulate. 

Cheers to the last 99 days, and on we go to the next.